Adventures in Infertility, Part I
The following is my wife and my true story of infertility. It is a sensitive subject and one I have been reticent to share. However, in this story there are many important subjects that deserve to be talked about.
My wife and I are both active members of the church. We both served missions and have testimonies of the gospel. My wife is the oldest daughter of 11 kids and always pictured she would be the mother of a large family. We met at BYU and I finished up a year after we were married. We felt it was responsible to wait to start a family as we had no real income of our own. We employed responsible birth control. I graduated and started the quest for a job and benefits. Within the next year I was to face an illness which threatened to end my life as well as our family. As I was scrambling out of the effects of my illness, we decided we could no longer wait and started trying to have a child. We were a little surprised that we did not get immediately pregnant. After all, the result of unprotected sex is pregnancy, right? However, eventually (within a year) we were successful and my wife got pregnant. I finally became healthy enough to work again and landed a decent job.
My son was born 10 days before we moved to the Midwest to start my new job. It wasn’t my favorite but I was providing for my family. Without really trying, within another year we were pregnant again with our daughter. The month after she was born, I had a relapse and was back in the hospital. It was decided that the best treatment was to undergo some radiation therapy. We consented and I quickly responded. We decided it would be good to wait a year before having any more kids.
After the year was up, we started trying again. Our efforts were not rewarded. So if we were not getting it right we needed to practice some more…I was delighted. After going at it like bunnies for two years, we decided to see a doctor. The doctor submitted both my wife and I to several ignominious and degrading tests and told us there was nothing wrong…keep trying. So we did and another year passed. During this year, my wife finally cornered me and insisted that I quit my job because it was making me and my family miserable. I went back to school to get my PhD.
We returned to the doctor and my wife started fertility drugs (which are not covered by insurance). For those of you that have not had the great experience of Clomed, the result is some serious messing with the woman’s hormones. My wife went from the wonderful celestial partner I had married to one of Satan’s minions with each month’s course of drugs. We knew this was a typical side effect and felt it was worth it to continue our family. We are not sure, but we think there were at least 3 pregnancies that never made it past the first month. After starts and stops/adjustments and mental anguish, we finally made it! However, it was soon apparent that something was wrong.
One Sunday morning I was called off the stand in Sacrament meeting and told to meet my wife in the emergency room. The pregnancy was ectopic and had burst a fallopian tube. She was in danger of bleeding out. After emergency surgery, the pregnancy was over and she was down to one fallopian tube.
We decided that perhaps we would not become pregnant again. We had consulted and received blessings from home teachers, bishops, family and in one case a general authority who promised we would get pregnant and hold another baby in our arms. We continued. We finally decided to pursue IVF (in vitro fertilization). Despite the considerable cost, we met with an IVF doctor and started the process.
The process consists of daily self administered injections in the stomach for the first month. Additional injections (administered in the hip I.M.) follow. These injections cause the woman to hyper ovulate. The eggs are then harvested. We were overjoyed to find out that 14 good eggs were harvested. Then sperm is introduced (the harvesting of which, while not painful is humiliating–down to the little room with videos, magazines and “instructions”). Our hopes were dashed when 3 of the 14 eggs were viable after 3 days. It seems that either through some fluke of nature, the radiation therapy or something, that my sperm can’t take no for an answer…even after one has entered the egg, additional sperm are able to get in there as well…mucking up the situation. Anyway, the three were finally inserted back into my wife and we waited.
The day came and we went back in to find out the results…Joy of joys! We were pregnant again. As time went on, however, we found that that pregnancy would not be successful either and a D & C was called for and administered. It has been two years and my wife still suffers physically from the process.
This process, more than many in my life, has had a deep impact on my faith. It caused me to question the existence of a loving god. After my experiences, I have found that many fight this same problem…and have no better resources. It is my hope that through this discussion, more of the implications of infertility can be brought to light.
While I am very sympathetic to your desire to have children and the painful struggle that you and especially your wife have gone through, I can’t help but wonder at your questioning “the existence of a loving god.”
You have apparently survived a near-deadly disease, you have two healthy children, and a marriage loving enough to have enabled you to go through these trials and still be together. I would say that the existence of a loving god is well-manifested in your life.
I say this without judgment or guile and without belittling your pain. (I’m no stranger to the struggles of infertility.)
Comment by Anelie — 1/10/2006 @ 4:45 pm
First, let me say that I am sorry. The theodicy button is one that gets pushed for different people in different situations. I’m also keenly aware of your sorrow.
Comment by J. Stapley — 1/10/2006 @ 5:15 pm
The purpose of the post was not to illicit comments of support and/or understanding. I fully recognize the blessings in my life. Our two children are certainly miracles.
That being said, I have a brother who is a neonatologist who routinely works with “parents” who are only parents in the biological sense. How come loving parents, able to give a good, temple covenant home, cannot have children, yet any and every 16 yr old crack smoking kid can and does get pregnant in the back of a car? We were prepared for the IVF not to work. Why twist the knife an additional month and cause that extra pain and anguish?
Why did we recieve blessings that flatly assured as that the proceedures would be sucessful? These are the first of the questions I wanted this post to help explain…
Comment by Craig S. — 1/10/2006 @ 5:47 pm
Craig, I can sense the pain of your repeatedly shattered expectations. A friend of mine recently ended his marriage because of the problems that arose from repeated miscarriages and unsuccessful fertility treatments. You and your wife deserve an award for keeping yours intact.
Comment by will — 1/10/2006 @ 6:39 pm
My husband and I were able to conceive only once in the first 5 years of marriage; it ended in a miscarriage. Our next conception (and pregnancy) was a full five years later. (We waited 10 years for a baby!!) All I can say is that we have to have complete and utter dependence on Heavenly Father. Remember that His time and our time are two different things. It will happen when it’s meant to happen and HF knows when the time is right for us — better than we know ourselves. This isn’t meant to be a lecture, only a testimony of what I believe from my own personal experience. When I stopped asking for a baby every night in my prayers and completely turned the situation over to Him, literally saying “if and when you think it’s the right time, we’ll try and be ready”, in a few months I was pregnant. Not that this works for everybody, but that’s our story. Best of luck, Craig. Heavenly Father loves you and knows of your heartache. Don’t give up.
Comment by meems — 1/10/2006 @ 8:22 pm
God is there and He loves us. Don’t forget that the spirit born into any body choses that challenge. The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God; He knows that we can make it back to Him from wherever we started in this mortal life.
It is hard to see others disdain or abuse that which you would treasure, but trust Him. All will be well.
Comment by harpingheather — 1/11/2006 @ 12:25 am
Craig, my wife and I just finished a course of fertility treatments, with successful results. Of course, as you point out, the treatments increase the risks of ectopic pregnancies and miscarriage.
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the sorrows you have felt. You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.
Comment by Brian Duffin — 1/11/2006 @ 9:03 am
Hey Craig, I hate infertility! When you are trying unsuccessfully to have a baby it seems like pregnant ladies and babies are coming out of the woodwork! My husband and I went through it too but eventually had 4 kids after 3 miscarriages, tests, and clomid.
During one of the miscarriages I received a blessing that said the baby would be healthy and fine. I miscarried two days later. I’ve come to agree with what meems said, “Our timeline, ideas, and phrases may not be the same thing as our Heavenly Father’s.
I also think that we’re on a world that is bound by the laws of nature. That’s part of living and learning here. Gowing through sorrowful things (like the pregnancy lasting so long and then failing)helps us to be compassionate and loving. I know I really matured during that whole process.
Just try to find happiness in these times. One of my biggest regrets about my time with infertility was that I spent too much time in sorrow and agony, shaking my fist at God.
Now I look back at those years and realize I threw away my last 3 years of true freedom.
I know, it’s easy for me to say all of these things when I’m not smack dab in the middle of it. Good luck, this too shall pass.
Comment by kristen j — 1/11/2006 @ 10:56 am
Craig, The Lord’s timetable is not our own, and we’ve got imperfect mortal bodies on top of that.
Except for the IVF, your story could be mine. Not long (mere weeks) after my wife’s rush to the emergency room an opportunity to adopt a baby from an unwed teenage mother dropped into our laps. He is a joy in our lives. Circumstances have made it to where he is our only child but I truly feel my life is completed by parenting him alongside my wife. Our family is sealed by the power of the Holy Priesthood.
It appears the days of adding to your family the usual way are over. I suggest that if you wish to increase your family size you could consider opening your home to children who, though they may not share your genes, can benefit eternally from your willingness to give them a home.
Comment by Chad Too — 1/11/2006 @ 12:55 pm
Well, some of us watch our children die, others don’t get to.
Comment by Stephen M (Ethesis) — 1/11/2006 @ 7:38 pm
Sorry if I seemed a bit dismissive in my first post. Of course recognizing blessings does not take away the pain of trials.
In this day of teenage pregnancies and convenience abortions, I have also wondered at the seeming unfairness of willing, wonderful couples being unable to conceive while children are born into unwanted and even abusive situations. It seems to me that when we use our procreative abilities, even in a sinful way, and a viable body is created and nurtured to delivery, a soul must be provided for that body. It isn’t always right. It definitely isn’t always in the best interest of that child. But that isn’t the way life works. We use our agency to act, and our actions have consequences. Does God sit and selectively choose which of these pregnancies is successful and which is not? We don’t know the answer to that. For some reason, my own feelings do not see God as the type of being who is personally overseeing each and every detail and/or consequence of our actions in our lives. He is aware, yes, but does he always act? That is the nagging question. Is it always “God’s Will” or is it a natural consequence He is allowing to happen?
[I know of hardcore “Christians” who would even go so far as to say that it was a sin to try the IVF in the first place: “obviously God does not want you to have more children” they would say, “you’re being punished for putting off having children” they would say. (Hogwash to all that! is my opinion.)]
In your case, is God preventing you from being able to have another child? (I doubt it but don’t presume to know His ways.) Or is there a physical problem (not immediately apparent) that is preventing it and God is simply not intervening? (And, while we’re asking, when does that darn spirit enter into the body?) Answer: we don’t know.
It is hard, I think, for people of faith to not take hardships in this life personally. The age-old question, Why do bad things happen to good people? But the thing is, bad things happen to ALL people. Good things happen to ALL people. As my wise father would tell me again and again when I complained: Life is NOT fair.
There are many LDS members who would probably think me apostate when I suggest that maybe God is more removed from (and less responsible for) our struggles than we sometimes think. Maybe that is why we are told to pray so often and so earnestly; to get His attention! (I’m kidding, kind of…smile)
But no matter what, I believe He is there to comfort us, to encourage us, to give us the strength we need to bear our burdens when we turn to Him, no matter who or what is “causing them” or why we must go through them.
I wish you peace no matter what the course of action you choose. Sorry for the long post–you got me thinking down a path that I’ve been meaning to take.
Comment by Anelie — 1/11/2006 @ 10:43 pm
Craig,
Your post really captures the exhaustion of infertility. The struggle not to get one’s hopes up, the inevitable hope anyway, followed by the inevitable despair has worn me out to the point that I don’t have the energy to keep pursuing options, although I also feel guilty for not trying hard enough to have children. I don’t want to be ungrateful for the medical options available, but they do make force us to make excrutiating decisions about how far to go, not to mention how much to spend.
This is such a haunting question. Like Kristen J., I’ve had similar experiences–right before my last miscarriage, I received a blessing that promised me that the pain I was experiencing was a normal part of pregnancy. Within hours I began to miscarry.
One thing I’ve emerged from these experiences with is a fierce desire to seek my own answers for the meaning of this experience for me, personally. Like Anelie, I’ve sometimes wondered how much God really intervenes in the world. I don’t know. But too often in the Church, we think there’s a generic answer to every situation. There’s the infertility answer, there’s the children dying answer, there’s the mother has cancer answer, there’s the father is unemployed answer, and they all usually come down to “God made it that way.” My visiting teacher recently told me that her sister had realized that she had to be infertile for seven years, that God had made it that way. I don’t want to question her spiritual experience. Maybe God really did reveal to her that there were good reasons she couldn’t have children for seven years. But that’s not my experience, and her answer won’t satisfy me. I wish, as a Church, we would extend more compassion to each other in our sorrows and be less eager to comfort ourselves in the face of others’ suffering by pushing our personal answers. about the meanings of our experiences on others. What an experience like infertility means and how we find comfort in it is extremely individual.
Comment by Eve — 1/12/2006 @ 12:38 am
I have had similar questions about priesthood blessings. I hope you don’t mind my sharing my thoughts, since my situation is somewhat different from yours. (I ache to have children, but as a never-married 35-year-old woman, whether I have fertility problems or not doesn’t matter at this point.)
I have received blessings, including my patriarchal blessing, that have promised me that I will marry and have children, but at my age and with a string of romantic disappointments behind me, I am starting to wonder. I have friends who received similar blessings that were not fulfilled. If I find hope in the blessings I have received, is it a false hope? Am I only setting myself up for disappointment? This has led me to question priesthood blessings altogether: Isn’t it cruel to allow a priesthood holder to promise a longed-for blessing that will not actually be given? What is the purpose, really, if it’s all just a crapshoot? How are we supposed to reconcile unfulfilled blessings with our faith? I have even wondered if it is merely coincidental when blessings are fulfilled.
Recently, though, a dear friend of mine was healed through a blessing after experiencing years of poor health. She received a blessing from her husband, went to bed, and woke up the next morning feeling fine—and she has been in excellent health ever since (it’s been a year now). Clearly it was divine intervention that healed her. There is no other plausible explanation. (She herself has been troubled by blessings given many years ago in an unrelated situation that were not fulfilled. She made the decision to put the issue on her spiritual backburner. While she would continue to have questions, the issue would not become the central focus of her faith.)
Clearly there is power in priesthood blessings. The Lord can and does perform miracles through them. But they are always given through imperfect, human vessels. I have learned that I can find hope and comfort through a blessing, but my ultimate faith must always be placed in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I must be willing to submit my will to His, even when—or especially when–it comes to things I cannot understand. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8). In earnestly trying to let go of my own agenda and submit to His will, I will be blessed with strength to deal with my challenges—if not the blessing I so desire. As another scripture states, “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” There are no perfect answers, and I continue to have questions about this myself. All you and I can do is have the faith that if we do rely on the Lord and submit to His will, our experiences will work to our good, because God does love us. He does! At times He has seemed so far away, and yet at other times, infrequent as they may seem, I have felt His love so strongly that I cannot deny it.
I don’t know if any of this responds directly to your questions. As I said, my particular issue is not infertility. But I think there many different situations that can raise similar difficult issues.
Sorry about the length of this post!
Comment by Rivkah — 1/12/2006 @ 12:01 pm
Rivkah, you raise some of the most challenging aspects of our relationship with the Divine. We tend to get the Greatest Hits version of our history. We don’t get the accounts of when Joseph tried to raise the dead, but failed. Interestingly, the scriptures show examples of these failures, but I think we are loathe to equate them to our day. Jesus saw that his disciples couldn’t perform miricles and gave them a slight rebuke and instruction. Why should we be any different?
I have to admit that I am not fond of folk-beliefs that try to reconcile the non-accomplishment of patriarchal blessing adn priesthood blessings. The bottom line is that they have been around since the beginning. But I also know that the Peter asked the Lord to invite Peter to walk on the water, which he did. Then Peter sank, whough walking for a bit. God asks alot of me and more often than not, I swim.
Comment by J. Stapley — 1/12/2006 @ 1:33 pm
Craig
I am sorry for the trials you have been through and I do understand them. We have dealt with fertility problems as well, and know the pain it can cause. I have PCOS.
One thing I have learned through our journey is that Heavenly Father is fully aware of all our trials and challenges and He does have a reason. Sometimes this is not apparent, for years or even until the next life. In the past through years I have been through a spiritual journey as we tried for our most recent baby. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with our first and then 2 months for our second. With Aisling (our baby) it took 2.5 years and it was during this time I was diagnosed with PCOS. It was an incredible learning experience I didn’t totally appreciate at the time. As much as I hope I never have to go through that again, I am glad I did. I wouldn’t trade a moment with my baby as I have her now. Do I wish she could have come sooner? Yes. But I cherish what I have now. I don’t curse the fact I have PCOS. I used to. I wish I could pop out babies every year. I envy these women who can get pregnant easily. But that isn’t my journey. Having these three now, and whoever comes to us in the future, I know that they are meant to come to our family and however many we have, that is what the Lord has in mind. Oh it isn’t easy. I don’t know why my desire to be a mother of many is not an easy path. I don’t know why your desire for children is a difficult path. There is a reason, and one day we will know. I do know that I am a more understanding person than I used to be. There was a point a few months before we conceived Aisling when I had a clarifying moment, and with prayers and tears and leaning on the Spirit, I was able to let go, and yet still hope, of my dream for more children. I told Heavenly Father that if my two were all we would have, I was muliply blessed and honoured to be their mother. And I would expect no more. I am able to still feel this way. I hope for many more, but I don’t have many child bearing years left and so my three are a joy and blessing and I will trust in the Lord. Not much more I can do, right?
My heart goes out to both of you. I know the pain of wanting and trying, the pain of loss. I know that it is at these times when we go through the trial by fire that our testimonies can be strengthened.
Comment by Mary Siever — 1/13/2006 @ 4:03 pm
Please don’t think that I am being trite. I can relate quite personally to what you are going thorugh, though in, of course, my own way. After a difficult pregnancy with my second child, it was determined that I should have my tubes tied as the risks involved in a subsequent pregnancy would be greater. I agreed, and now regret it deeply. I have two children, and feel incomplete that I can’t have any more.
I often say to myself, when things happen in a way that I just can’t reconcile that “there are some things that only a celestial perspective will reveal.” Even hard and hurtful things, I believe serve a purpose. Sometimes, we have to accept that the purpose is not to be known by us, and just take hope in that it will someday be clearer.
I hope you can see the sincerity and proffered comfort behind my words, even though they seem simple (simplistic). Occam and all…
Comment by Naiah Earhart — 1/27/2006 @ 4:17 pm
Everyone,
Please believe that I appreciate your kind words. Often, the pain of life seems to difficult to bear.
Thank you all again,
Craig
Comment by Craig S. — 1/27/2006 @ 4:59 pm
Dear Craig,
I was moved by the heart wrenching trials of your infertility journey. I am nearly 50 years old and remember two and a half decades ago when my husband and I were married. We suffered an ectopic pregnancy six months into our marriage. We knew our lot in life to conceive would be more challenging than most. We did the Clomid treatments for a while but the mood swings were unbearable. IVF was too expense to even contemplate. The first ten years of our marriage were spent adopting seven children. We have experienced all the joys and wonders of parenthood except the birthing process. In this world of ups and downs, life is full, and God has blessed us in his infinite wisdom, in his own way, and on his own timetable. I believe if we truly seek for divine understanding, we will not be denied. May you find the solace you yearn for.
Cheryl T.
Comment by Cheryl T. — 2/6/2006 @ 2:10 pm
I’m disappointed to see how little has been discussed on this thread about the alternative of adoption.
Comment by Melissa — 3/30/2006 @ 11:53 pm
There is so much to say and learn from all the comments. I too am from a large family and helped to raise most of of my little siblings. My greatest dream was to be a mother to many little children. However, all was shattered when I suffered for 5 years with ulcerative colitis and was in the Hospital for years. Every time I came home from the hospital, I came home with nothing but a wheel chair and a broken dream. Finally after a miraculous surgery of having my colon removed and becoming healthy, doctors believed I’d concieve right away. Not true. It took three years to finally get prenant. However, twice I lost both babies.
Comment by Heather — 6/2/2006 @ 2:08 am
There is so much to say and learn from all the comments. I too am from a large family and helped to raise most of of my little siblings. My greatest dream was to be a mother to many little children. However, all was shattered when I suffered for 5 years with ulcerative colitis and was in and out of the Hospital for years. Every time I came home from the hospital, I came home with nothing but a wheel chair and a broken dream. My little sisters I raised were having many children of their own.
Finally after a miraculous surgery of having my colon removed and becoming healthy, doctors believed I’d concieve right away. Not true. It took three years to finally get pregnant. However, I had three miscarriages in the course of two years. I tried adoption but when the mothers knew of my past illness, they would change their minds. I have known my husband for 15 years. He’s been very patient through illness, miscarriages, bills, and heartache. I just lost another pregnancy carrying twins. Most doctors tell me I should just stop and concentrate on my health.
I often wonder, “How much can one heart take?” but then I think of Christ. I have only experienced a pinpoint of the heartache and suffering that he must have endured. I have given all my pain to him and to my H.F.
And that my friends has made for a woman who is greatful for these trials.
No, I do not wish to repeat it but I see the learning involved. It is often recorded about how Joseph Smith thanked the Lord for his trials because of the great learning taking place.
The best book I ever read was “All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience” by Neal A. Maxwell.
In the midst of deep affliction, God is aware of our suffering, and that pain is not without purpose!
Comment by Heather — 6/2/2006 @ 2:33 am
I to have found my/our infertility to be a trial of faith that I have yet to recovered from, and it has been 8 years. Even with the birth of our daughter I found it did not heal this wound. I did not wish to go through that ever again and was content to just have her, however a priesthood blessing told me their was “another spirit being held for my family” and that I needed to do that awful journey of infertility and the questioning to bring her here. And going through that ripped all the wounds open again. And no this pregnancy did not happen quickly or easily. I can say though with certainty that through all this I have found out that my worth is not in my womb, or with what it can or can not do. I am of worth to him because I am his. It can be so hard and so confusing to try and fallow a personal revelation when nature itself is preventing you from doing so. Huh, just a though I have never had till now, but I wonder if Adam and Eve struggled with this in the garden and that was the chink in the armor that gave Satan entry? (it’s fine if you take that as rhetorical)
One other thing in your original post you said the blessing “promised we would get pregnant and hold another baby in our arms” but I have to point out the from this post the two do not need to be one in the same. You did get pregnant that part was fulfilled but perhaps the baby in your arms does will come to you in a different way. Just a thought.
Raechelle
Comment by raechelle — 9/19/2006 @ 1:37 am